Running on empty
by Sara's Earliest Works
Summary: More cracky AU stuff. Zoycite wangst, mild shoujo ai undertones.


"Running on empty"  
by Sara Jaye 

Yes, another emotional outburst inspired fanfic. And yes, another Zoicite fanfic. I won't waste time with the annoying rants, you know the drill. Angst, depressing, don't like it, don't read.  
This story takes place well after Stars, in my own alternate SM universe.

Disclaimers: Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and Toei animation. None of the characters belong to me, except Zoicite&Malachite. You know the deal here.  
This story contains some yuri, meaning 2 girls have a bit of a crush on one another. If you are offended by this, then I suggest you leave immediately. Reading this, being offended/shocked/disgusted, and flaming me will result in me being very pissed off. And trust me, you do not want that to happen. Same rules apply if you hate Zoicite or think anyone who would consider her a separate character from Zoisite is an idiot. It's very depressing, so if you don't like depressing things, close this window now.

I'm so cold. The wind stings my cheeks, and my lungs hurt like hell. Tears blur my vision, yet I can still see where I'm running.  
I'm running away. Away from everything. My past, my future (If I even HAVE one), the haunting memories of what I was, the shame of knowing I hurt all those innocent people.  
Most of all, though, I'm running away from myself.  
I can't stand the woman I've become lately. Bitter, angry, and worthless. I feel so alone. Yeah, I have my best friends who care about me and my boyfriend who loves me...but it doesn't seem right. I'm not the kind who is supposed to have anyone to give a damn about me. Especially after the hell I put them through before I let them in.  
They say they love me and care about me, they accept me for who I am. Emotional outbursts, nasty sarcasm, cynicism and all.  
Why?  
A normal person would have given up on me after a week. And I wouldn't blame them. After all, who'd want someone like me as a best friend or a lover?  
No one.  
I've been taught that over and over again in life. Those I got close to either left me, betrayed me, or decided I just wasn't worth caring about.  
They all should have ditched me ages ago.  
All of them.  
But they're still here!  
Damn it, how many more breakdowns and remarks is it gonna take for them to open their eyes and realize they're wasting their time! That it's just useless to continue to care about someone when all they get is total and utter chaos for their troubles?  
I asked Makoto this a week ago, and all she said was "You're just under a lot of stress from your job and the season and all. We know you'll be all right, Zoe-chan. And you don't mean the things you say when you're so upset"  
Stress. Yeah, sure, just plain old stress from this stupid job, stupid season, and stupid life. Stress!  
If it were just stress, I wouldn't be getting drunk once a week. I wouldn't be withdrawing from everything, hating myself more and more every day. I wouldn't be haunted day in and day out by soul-  
wrenching memories...of the Dark Kingdom, of losing my best friend when I needed her the most, and...and the horrifying things my foster 'brothers' did to me...as if to confirm I was worth no more than mental and emotional rape...just thinking about what they did makes me shudder...I feel so sick.  
I wouldn't seriously be wishing I was dead as I stared into the cold blackness of the night.  
I feel like I'm going to collapse. I've been running at least 30 miles an hour, nonstop. But I just keep running, running into the night, ignoring the cold sting of the sleeting rain beginning to fall.  
I don't know where the hell I'm running to. All I know is that soon, my pain will be over.

"Zoicite"  
The pink-haired woman hugged herself tightly, leaning against the car. She'd been driving for hours, searching all over Tokyo for her friend and worrying like crazy. Why had Zoicite run off that way? 'Why couldn't she just come to me if something was wrong?' she thought. "I'm so worried about her...I hate seeing her so depressed, and she's been like this for the last 2 weeks...it's just horrible.  
and she won't even talk to anyone so we can't try and make her feel better," Ann said aloud. "And it's so scary when she's so drunk and depressed and looking like she's half dead"  
Dead...just saying it, even thinking it sent cold chills through her. Especially when Zoicite was concerned. Just looking into her eyes made her want to break down in tears. Zoicite insisted she was fine, and they pretended to believe her even though it was obvious she wasn't. "No one will say anything because they don't want her to think they're meddling and if she thinks we're trying to force her to tell us she'll be angry...why is she trying to keep us away when she most needs us? Where could she have run off to? And...what if"  
She couldn't complete the sentence as tears began to run down her cheeks.  
"No! She can't be, if she is I...I don't what I'm going to do with myself...and Malachite...and everyone else..." Ann punched in the numbers on the car alarm and stormed off. "I'm going to find her if I have to run around all night!"

Half an hour later, Ann was just about ready to give up and go back to the car when she saw a familiar flash of coppery-blonde hair.  
"Thank GOD"  
Checking to see that there were no cars coming, she ran across the street over to the empty park gardens, where Zoicite sat holding herself and crying on a bench.  
"Zoicite!"

Zoicite tensed as she heard someone call her name. 'Damn it! How in the hell did they find me here!' she thought. Wrapping her arms more tightly around herself, she looked down at her worn black leather boots, not making any sort of eye contact with the person who was running over to her.

"Thank God you're all right! I was so worried, I've been looking for you for over 3 hours!"

Ann.

I should have known, Zoicite thought. Then again, I thought Malachite would be the one running after me.  
Sighing, she looked up a little, just barely meeting Ann's worried, tearful gaze.  
"Hi"  
"I should've known to find you here, Zoicite...you always liked being here at night"  
"I should've chosen a better hiding place. But I was so tired..." she said quietly. "It figures. I can't even run away right...I'm so pathetic. I bet if I held a gun to my head and pulled the trigger I'd miss and accidentally shoot myself in the foot," she muttered. Ann glared at her a little.  
"First of all, no talking of killing yourself. I won't allow it and neither will Malachite, Eil, or anyone else"  
"Why? It's my life and you can't force me to live if it sucks," Zoicite said, picking up a fallen violet from the ground. Strangely, it had yet to whither away yet, even dry out...sighing, she lazily traced her fingertip over the edge of a petal, no longer caring to listen to Ann and her 'You have too much to live for' speeches. Didn't she understand?  
"...So that's what this is all about. You're trying to run away from your problems, huh? That's...not you, Zoicite," Ann said flatly. The Zoicite she knew was tougher than this. No matter how lousy she felt, no matter how great her depression. What happened to her? The last few weeks, she'd felt like she was working at the coffeehouse or watching the late night anime block with a complete stranger. The only thing left was that she still got starry-eyed over the cute yaoi moments. And even that was different...it wasn't the usual "Aw, how kawaii!"...more like an "If only I could be Quatre right now...", a more longing gaze. 'How can she be lonely when she has Malachite?' Ann wondered, then remembered that Malachite wasn't home very much during the evenings lately. Stupid overtime. "Why are you so depressed lately? Why are you getting drunk once a week and seeming so lonely when you have a lot of people to care about you? You're always so isolated from everything...what's with you? This isn't like you one bit"  
"Not me? Well, then I guess you don't know me very well"  
"Zoicite"  
The 2 of them just stared at each other until Zoicite finally spoke.  
"You don't know the hell I've been going through for the last few weeks, Ann...it's not just some kind of stress depression...I just...feel like my life is worth nothing, like I shouldn't be lucky enough to have friends like you, Eil, and Makoto. Or a boyfriend like Malachite. I'm just...so bitter and you've had to put up with too many of my emotional outbursts. I feel like you should have given up on me a long time ago...everyone else has...if they didn't die on me..." Zoicite's eyes stung with fresh tears at the memory of losing her best friend from her grade school days. "I just feel like everything in my life is wrong...it hurts too much to look in the mirror..." Her tears overflowed once again as she confessed everything. She had not wanted it to come down to this, crying in front of anyone. But she didn't care.  
Ann listened, a little shocked seeing her friend breaking down this way. Seeing Zoicite cry wasn't something new to her, but she'd never seen her this low before. And it broke her heart. As Zoicite sobbed about how she wished she was dead or just never existed, Ann couldn't stand it anymore, flinging her arms around the slightly taller woman as tears gushed down her cheeks.  
"Zoi-chan, please don't say such horrible things, it's not true!" she sobbed. Zoicite blinked, the flower slipping from her hand and falling back onto the grass.  
"Ann"  
"You can't leave me! And Malachite will never be the same without you! Don't you know how much you mean to us"  
"...What do you want me to say to that?" Zoicite tried to shrug off Ann's embrace, but Ann wouldn't loosen her grip.  
"Just tell me why you're so hellbent on ending your life...why are you so determined to leave when everyone would miss you terribly?" Ann sobbed.  
"You wouldn't miss me. Really, Ann, you would be so much better off without me. And Malachite deserves better...he gets so depressed over the memories of...that place," she shuddered as she thought of the Dark Kingdom, "so what good am I when all I can do is relate to him? I'm just as depressed. He needs someone who can learn to get over it and help him, not whine over their own life-ruining flashbacks"  
"Zoicite...please, don't say things like this...I-I can't stand to hear it, I never want to think about never seeing you again, or you being gone forever," Ann choked, her grip on Zoicite's shoulders tightening. "If you were gone, I'd feel so alone"  
"What about Eil"  
"He isn't you...I love him with all my heart and soul, but.  
he can't replace you"  
"...What...?" What was she trying to say? Zoicite rubbed her eyes and looked at the shuddering form of her best friend.  
"Put yourself in my place, Zoicite. Would your loving relationship with Malachite ever replace me in your heart"  
She'd never thought of it that way before! Zoicite was always worried about losing people she cared about, and knew she would be crestfallen if she lost them. But she didn't like thinking about it, so she'd never considered what Ann had just told her.  
'That, and I can't picture my life without Ann...she's my best friend, and she's always here for me...and she's the only one who really understands and can relate to my yaoi obsession. To lose her would just...well, Malachite would be the only reason I would want to live...' Zoicite blinked. 'Other'  
She was thinking about her best friend the same way she thought about her love...she knew that it was normal for a girl's best friend and boyfriend to be the ones she loved the most, but in different ways.  
'Am I falling for Ann?'

'Am I falling for Zoicite?' Ann wondered as she looked up a little. She knew Zoicite was very important to her, but never thought something like this would happen, that Zoicite would seriously consider suicide. Was she just feeling this way because she was afraid of losing her?  
'I don't know. But I know one thing's sure. I am not going to lose her,' Ann thought. "Pretty painful thought, isn't it? Well, now you kinda have some idea of how I'm feeling right now, Zoi," she said.  
"...I'm sorry," Zoicite choked, breaking down in tears yet again. "I'm so sorry...I-I just...I'm not used to good luck with anything, especially relationships...I can't stop feeling like everything's about to come crashing down"  
"But hasn't it? Look at yourself...how isolated and depressed you've been lately," Ann said quietly.  
"...The only thing that's remained stable is my relationships with all of you...why, though? Lord knows how many times I've snapped off at you or just plain acted bitter and cynical," Zoicite mumbled. "I thought after a week of that you'd have given up and ditched me"  
"Well, we didn't. We understand and know you're going through a lot right now, Zoi...what with job stress and holiday shopping and Malachite not being around enough," Ann said.  
"That's what Makoto-san said last week...stress. Ha! What does she know? If it were just stress I wouldn't be wishing I was dead every night of the week." Zoicite picked up the flower again and held it in the palms of her hands, just looking at it.  
"Well, they don't know because you won't tell them," Ann sighed.  
"Tell them? They're all so busy with work, classes, and gift shopping...it's 2 days before Christmas, you know. I don't want to add more to their stress by whining about my problems," Zoicite muttered.  
"I'll put it this way. They're more stressed out knowing something's wrong but at the same time being completely in the dark than they would be if you told them," Ann said, placing her hand on the blonde's shoulder.  
Zoicite sighed. She didn't know what to think now. The cold, angry depression she'd felt hours ago was fading, but was being replaced by immense guilt.  
'How could I have done that to them? Especially Malachite and Ann? Shame on you, Zoicite Marshall. You're lucky they care about you and are willing to overlook your little breakdowns,' she berated herself. "I just...don't know what to think about anything anymore," she mumbled. "I hate the woman I was...back then...always locking people out and being a bitch to them so they wouldn't get too close.  
I swore to myself I'd never be like that again...but here I am. I...I ran away from everyone..." Her shoulders shook violently as tears ran down her cheeks. "I-I'm so sorry...that I was going to leave you.  
I..." she tried to apologize, but was crying so hard she could barely speak. Ann wrapped her arms around Zoicite's soaked, shivering form and pulled her as close as she could.  
"Don't apologize...it's going to be okay, Zoi-chan..." she whispered, nestling her cheek against her friend's soaked blonde hair.  
"I-I hope everyone else can forgive me...and Malachite..." Zoicite sobbed, clinging to her friend.  
"I'm sure they will...all that's important is that you're all right." Ann shivered as she tried to warm them both up, despite the fact that it was barely 20 degrees outside and they were both soaked. The only warmth came from the tears running silently down her face. 'Thank God you're going to be okay, Zoi-chan...' she thought.  
Zoicite felt a weight slowly lifting from her as she sobbed, this time out of relief. She wasn't completely alone anymore. They really did care about her and weren't going to leave her. They cared enough to understand her instead of just writing her off as a bitch. 'I belong here,' she thought.

They stayed there for nearly an hour, and even though there was barely a word spoken between them, nothing was left unsaid...well, almost nothing.  
Finally, Zoicite spoke.  
"Thank you...I-I'm glad you found me here...I..was actually secretly hoping you would," she said. Ann smiled, brushing her drenched hair away from her face.  
"Yeah, I figured as much," she laughed. "But...we better get home. It's almost 10 and...we've been sitting here soaking wet for God knows how long." Zoicite blinked.  
"...Almost 10! I...I could've sworn it was just 6:30 a few minutes ago...time flies when you're running away," she said as they got up and stretched. "We better get home...and into some nice warm clothes"  
"I knew there was something not right about the way these jeans were sticking to me!" And for some reason, they started giggling hysterically at that. It felt so wonderful to laugh after all that freaking out! After a good 10 minutes, they had to stop to catch their breath, collapsing onto the ground.  
"I needed that," Zoicite said, giggling. Ann nodded.  
"Did you ever," she said. "Anyway...let's go home. The others are probably worried sick about us"  
"I wouldn't be surprised if Malachite and Eil showed up right about now," Zoicite said. "I swear, our boyfriends are such worrywarts"  
"Yep, but they're our worrywarts and we love em just as they are," Ann giggled as they picked themselves up. Just then, the flower Zoicite had been holding earlier caught their attention, still miraculously not damaged from the rain or the cold.  
"I wonder..." Zoicite said to herself as she picked it up. This fragile violet had remained strong and beautiful through the harsh weather..."Just like my friendship with Ann despite the last few weeks," she whispered. Smiling to herself, turned back to her friend. "Thank you again for running after me," she said.  
"Only a heartless bitch would let her best friend freeze to death out here," Ann said as they began to walk to the car.

They drove home in silence other than the soft orchestrated classical music playing on the radio. The feelings they had been questioning earlier still remained, but neither one said anything. The silence and the warm, cozy feeling the music gave them spoke volumes.  
"I hope Makoto, Michiru and Setsuna don't get mad at us for dripping water all over the place," Ann mused.  
"I'm sure they'll be so glad we're all right and haven't frozen to death they won't even notice," Zoicite said, laughing a little. It was then that she noticed the rain had long stopped, and light snow was falling in it's place. "Huh...?" Ann blinked as she looked around at the dusting of white covering everything.  
"I...how could we have not noticed this till now?" she wondered aloud. "It sure is beautiful, though..." Zoicite nodded.  
"Yeah."  
They stood in silence, just looking at one another. For a moment, Ann wondered if she should mention the one thing she hadn't told Zoicite, but decided against it. Somehow, she knew that the other woman was thinking the same thing.  
Zoicite took the flower from her pocket and looked at it again. 'Surviving the hard times and still remaining beautiful and strong,' she thought. Suddenly, she smiled brightly and held out the flower to Ann.  
"Here...I...want you to have this," she whispered, blushing a little.  
"Zoicite..." Ann felt her own cheeks grow warm as she looked at the violet. "Why? Not that I don't appreciate this, but"  
"It reminds me of our friendship. Surviving all the hard times in life and still remaining strong and beautiful," Zoicite said, her eyes regaining the shine they'd lacked for so long. Ann smiled broadly and slipped the flower into her front pocket.  
"Thank you..." she whispered as the 2 of them embraced. "I'll press it into a book so I can keep it forever." Zoicite smiled as they slowly let go of one another.  
"Let's go inside," she said, but as they were heading inside, 2 people ran out onto the lawn.  
"Zoicite!"  
"Ann!"  
"...Why are we not surprised?" they said in unison as Malachite and Eil ran to them.  
"About time you got home! Where have you been all this time!" Eil asked, then nearly jumped back. "Ann, you're an ice cube"  
"Zoicite, you're even worse than she is! How long have you been out in the cold? We have to get you inside this second, we can't have you sick just 2 days before Christmas," Malachite said in an almost stern tone. The girls just sighed.  
"You boys really are worrywarts," the said, but couldn't help smiling as their boyfriends hurried inside with them. As soon as they were in the house, they were greeted with just what they expected.  
"Where have you been"  
"You're soaked! Dry off and get out of those wet clothes now, it'll be a miracle if you don't get sick"  
"Are you all right"  
"You're dripping water all over the floor"  
"Eudial!"  
"Sorry...don't even do that again, you hear me? You scared the hell out of us!"

Zoicite sighed as she relaxed by the window, as warm as she could get in a soft blue nightshirt and pants, a thick comforter, and snuggled between her love and 2 friends. Malachite and Eil insisted they all stay as close as they could, and as much as the girls teased them about worrying too much, they obviously didn't mind. The snow still fell outside, heavier than before.  
"Just in time," ChibiUsa said as she walked into the room in her pink nightgown, her hair let down from its usual odango. Hotaru was right behind her, violet kimono wrapped tightly around her.  
"Hi," Ann greeted them, motioning for them to come over.  
"You look much better than you have the last few weeks, Zoicite-san," Hotaru commented, somewhat shyly.  
"I feel better. A nice walk in the rain woke me up," she laughed.  
"Then why did Ann have to run out after you?" Eil teased. Zoicite playfully glared at him, but ruined it by laughing.  
"Cause I care about her! Why didn't you come after her as well? Or better yet, why didn't YOU, Malachite?" Ann said in a mock-challenging voice.  
"You insisted on going out after her alone, remember"  
"Guys, don't argue about it, what's important is that Zoicite's going to be okay and that she and Ann are safe at home," Hotaru said.  
"We were just playing around," Malachite said.  
"Still..." ChibiUsa snuggled closer to Hotaru as she watched the snow falling softly, covering the world in a peaceful blanket of white.  
Zoicite and Ann looked at the girls, then each other. Their feelings still remained unsaid, but then again, there was no real need to speak them. Actions had spoken louder than words that cold winter night.

End

Wow, my longest one yet! Finished, that is. ;; Took me 4 nights...not bad, compared to other stories that have taken me nearly a year. points to a certain KunZoi fic I decided to make it a Christmasy fic somewhere around the second part of this. I know, it's not even December yet. But if I get motivated enough, maybe I'll write another holiday-themed fic around Christmastime...I've been wanting to do a "Gift of the Magi" plot. About the lyrics at the end of the story: This could've very easily been a songfic. But as it is, I've got too many stories to finish, so that will have to wait for another time. ;  
Ja ne! walks off, muttering something about needing better disclaimers and all that jazz


End file.
